This information has been prepared just for you. It is an attempt to answer questions about the CRISP Friendship Family Program and your relationship with your American family. Friendship families have a guidebook of their own. We hope this International’s Guide To Friendship will prove useful to you.

It is hard to make statements that will be true about all friendship families. They come from a variety of backgrounds and their lifestyles differ greatly.

Your friendship family may be a single adult, a young couple with children or not children, or a middle age or older couple with grown children and/or grandchildren.

Some keys to a good relationship with your family are openness and kindness in dealing with their needs and feelings (emotions).

1) Openness: As you and your friendship family enter this adventure with a willingness to share, explore new ways of thinking and learn new ways of doing things, your relationship will grow. Friendship develops when each person lets the other know them as they share their beliefs, thoughts, fears, needs and ways of living.

Kindness: In a good relationship you will observe and learn the interests and needs of your friendship family. Be aware of the members of your friendship family as individuals, as human beings who feel joy and pain, who struggle to achieve their goals, and as people who need and give love.

With this in mind, let’s go on…..

Friendship families volunteer from throughout the local community. Many enter the program because they hear about it from friends who participate. Others sign up after hearing a presentation made to a community organization or group.

On their information form, friendship families are given an opportunity to state any preferences they have for areas or countries of the world and the gender, marital status and other matters related to internationals. The family also lists their hobbies, occupations, children and other factors that can help in assigning them to a particular international. On your information form, you are asked questions about your major, hobbies, and interests.

When matching you with a family, all of these factors are considered. Newly arrived internationals are given priority over those who have lived for some time in the United States or in the community.

After the match has been made, a letter is sent to the friendship family and you at the same time. These letters give information about each other. Occasionally, this information is given by telephone or e-mail. New families also receive a CRISP Family Guide by mail, just as you received this International’s Guide to Friendship.

From the time the letters are sent, the relationship is the responsibility of you and the friendship family. The CRISP coordinator should be contacted by you if a successful contact has not been made with each other within two weeks after being informed of your "match" with a friendship family.

One frequent problem in making contact is an international moving to a new location. Sometimes this happens before the assignment is completed, and the friendship family cannot locate the international. Other times, the international may move after the friendship has begun.

After the friendship family receives the assignment letter, usually you will be contacted within a week. Sometimes this proves difficult, if for instance you are away from your residence until late at night, when American custom says it is no longer appropriate to call. At other times, a message may be left with a person who answers the phone, but fails to give the message to you!

Occasionally, something happens with the friendship family that causes them not to call immediately, such as out-of-town trips, family illness or other unexpected situations.

When your friendship family makes their first contact with you, they will want to agree on a time to meet, even if it is several weeks away. If they invite you to visit them on a day or at a time that is impossible for you, explain why you can’t come and suggest a different time. (For example, "I’m very sorry I can’t see you that night because of an important test (or meeting) the next day. But the following week will be much easier for me. I will be free on Wednesday, Thursday, and Saturday nights at 7:00 pm") This assures the friendship family that you have a valid reason for not accepting their invitation and that you really want to meet them as soon as possible. Families may become discouraged if their invitations are refused often; they may feel you are not interested in developing the friendship.

When you meet your friendship family the first time, try to learn the names of everyone in the family, and repeat them as you talk together. If you have difficulty understanding a spoken name, ask the person to write it on a card and then practice pronouncing it with their help. Help your family learn your name by writing it on a card for them and repeating it for them as they practice pronouncing it.

Be prepared to tell your family about yourself, your family and your country. You may want to take pictures of your family and country to show them. You will want to ask questions and learn about their family and their activities.

On weekdays, most families usually end a visit at 9:30 or 10:00 pm. On weekends, your times with the family may be extended an hour or so. After eating a meal with your friendship family, it is polite to visit for at least an hour. If this is not convenient for you, explain why you need to leave sooner and your family will understand and accept this.

As you prepare to end the visit, express your appreciation and talk about possible future plans. This will assure the family that you enjoyed your visit with them and want to continue developing the relationship.

You and your family will want to stay in contact with each other. You will want to call your family from time to time to talk with them and ask questions. Most families prefer to be called after 8:00 in the morning and before 9:30 at night.

You may want to invite your family to participate in an event with you. Cooking dinner for them, or serving tea or coffee at your home is one way to return their hospitality.

We recommend to our friendship families that they plan visits with their international friend once a month. There are times when this is not possible, but normally it can be done, and it helps maintain and build the friendship.

(For Establishing and Keeping a Good Relationship)

Customs regarding time vary around the world. In the United States punctuality is important. You are expected to be ready for people to pick you up at the time agreed upon. If you are going to your friendship family’s house, and find you will be more than 10 or 15 minutes late, call and let them know.

When you plan to meet your family at a third place, such as a movie theater or restaurant, it is very important to be there to meet them at the time that was set. If you see that you cannot meet them at the time agreed upon, call your family before the event to tell them the time you will arrive.

If you find you must cancel a meeting, let your friendship family know as soon as possible. Americans find it unacceptable to make plans and not show up. Also, be prepared to arrange another meeting at the time you tell your family you must cancel.

Anytime you are uncertain about what to wear for a visit, you may ask your family what clothing will be appropriate. Usually in visiting your family’s house, casual, everyday dress is fine. If they invite you to a party or holiday dinner, it will be appropriate for you to dress more formally. This also applies to cultural events like symphonies and plays.

After sitting down at the table, and before food is served, your host may offer a prayer of thanksgiving for the food. You may want to follow the custom of your hosts in bowing your head during the prayer. Feel free to ask what this practice means if you would like to know. It is normal for an American family to use meals as a time for conversation.

You may follow your hostess’ example in learning how to use the utensils on the table, or you are free to ask questions about manners and customs. Hands may be used directly on foods like hamburgers, sandwiches, fried chicken and whole fruit.

Before going to the family’s home for dinner, please inform the family if there are any foods you cannot eat. If the meal you are served includes food you cannot eat, or that you dislike, you may pass these by or take only a small portion. Meals can be served two ways:

the meal is served buffet style (dishes placed on a separate table and you serve yourself before sitting down at the dining table), or

it is served family style (dishes are passed around the table and you serve yourself).

Americans usually wait until everyone is served before beginning to eat.

If you desire a second serving of food, you are free to accept more food when it is offered the first time. In your country it may be considered impolite to accept refreshments or food the first or second time an offer is made. This is not so in the United States. If you do not want more, it is polite to refuse the offer by saying "no thank you."

It is customary to eat all the food on your plate. This does not indicate that you want more. Americans do not ordinarily "slurp" (make noise) with their soup, talk with food in their mouth, or "burp" (loud belch) after a meal.

If you smoke, you should ask permission of your friendship family before lighting up. Many families do not smoke and do not allow smoking in their homes. In some cases, smoke may produce an allergic reaction for some family member. If your friendship family does not want smoke in the house, you may ask if you may go outside a few minutes to smoke.

You may offer to carry your dishes to the kitchen after a meal, unless your hostess makes it clear that she does not wish you to do this. American women may appreciate an offer to help in washing the dishes, but many will refuse your offer.

Observing what the family members do provides a helpful clue in knowing what is appropriate.

If your family invites you to spend the night at their home, you will want to know the following:

The family will provide you with towels, and bed linens will already be on your bed.

Before retiring to your room, ask your friendship family what time you should get up in the morning to join the family for breakfast. You may ask your hosts to wake you up at a certain time if you do not have an alarm clock in your bedroom.

Do not enter any bedrooms other than you own without a specific invitation.

When leaving the bathroom, leave the door open or slightly ajar. (In America, a closed bathroom door means the room is in use.) Hang up wet towels and leave the bathroom as orderly as you found it.

Do not open drawers, closets or the refrigerator without being invited to do so.

Ask permission before using the telephone and make only local calls. Do not make long distance calls that involve an extra charge without making arrangements in advance to pay for the cost of the call, or unless you have a phone card.

A visit with your friendship family provides an excellent opportunity for an exchange of opinions. Your family will probably be interested in talking about such things as the weather, culture, your family, education, politics and religion. Feel free to tell them how you feel and what you believe about these subjects. Also, be willing to listen and understand their ideas. (In general, Americans do not discuss their personal income, the cost of their possessions, their age, or their weight!)

If you don’t understand part or all of something that is being said, ask that it be repeated or explained. Your family will appreciate knowing that you did not understand something so they can make it clear. Pretending to understand when you don’t can lead to difficulties at a later time.

If your friendship family actively participates in religious services, they will probably invite you to attend these services at some time or other. If you accept the invitation, this does not imply an interest in or any commitment on your part to become a member of their religion. Attending a religious service with your family should be seen as a worthwhile learning experience. Normally, a friendship family will not exert any religious pressure on you. If this should occur, please discuss it with the CRISP Coordinator.

Feel free to share about your religion and your beliefs. Your friendship family will probably enjoy learning about what you believe and practice. Learning about each other’s faith can build understanding and friendship.

A friendship family with children living in the home offers you an excellent opportunity to make additional friends. Your host parents will appreciate your interest in their children. The children will enjoy learning about you and your country.

Gifts

It is not an American custom to bring a gift when visiting an American home. For a family member’s birthday or at Christmas, small, inexpensive gifts will be appreciated, but will not be expected.

The friendship family experience provides an excellent opportunity to learn about Americans. Through your American friends, you can learn such things as how Americans relate what they believe and how they live. You can taste their food, learn their customs and improve your English!

The friendship family also may be able to guide you in finding housing, opening a bank account, buying a car, dealing with insurance needs, finding medical care, figuring out the bus system and many other aspects of life in America.

What the family should not be expected to help with is:

Financial difficulties, signing for loans or utilities

Legal matters

Immigration matters

These matters should be dealt with by your company, school, or sponsoring organization. It is important that you not ask your friendship family to give or guarantee a loan of money or ask them to sign for your telephone or other utilities. This is the policy of the CRISP Family Friendship Program, and we ask the friendship families to uphold it.

The friendship family experience is an opportunity for you to share your own culture and who you are with people who are interested. Eating foods of your country which you prepare and attending cultural events related to it are obvious ways your friendship family can learn about your country. Listed below are some other possibilities:

Share your photos or slides from home.

Look together through a book about your country.

Visit together a store that sells things from your country.

Give your friendship family maps and postcards of your country.

Explain national holidays when they occur.

Share about your religion and its special observances.

Dress in your national dress.

Introduce them to friends from your country.

Play music or sing songs from your country.

Discuss current events in your homeland.

The friendship family experience should be a two-way experience. It is an opportunity for you to give as well as receive. If you enter it with enthusiasm and a willingness to share, it will be a valuable and enjoyable part of your experiences in the United States.